Sports Direct: Retail hell on earth.
"So, you interested in sports?"
"I like watching this old couple race down the high street on their shop mobility."
As 'luck' would have it I acquired the job and so the scene was set, this sports shop was to be the very place I spent wasting hours of my life.
'You don’t have to have a retail background to work with in Sports Direct stores says Sports Direct managers.'
This quote from the careers website is entirely true and just justifies how shockingly appalling the management is. In my time I served under many managers all of which were as erratic as each other. When I line them up mentally in my head, there are striking similarities to the Soviet Union leadership. Both corrupt failing systems that thrive on exploiting people.
Donald aka Stalin: A ruthless manager however the staff/ people of the USSR were still sad to see him leave as he did well for the store, just as Stalin's ruthless rule kept the Soviet union strong and the people, despite the strict rule, were saddened by the news of his death (in the USSR maybe not the other provinces).
Kay aka Khrushchev: In comparison to Donald she was very different and had no qualm in making this known. Very rash in her decisions, one minute you would be laughing over some Morley's chicken or even on the shop floor, the next she would be marching you into the office or snapping at you for starting a conversation with her (although it was fine to do that yesterday). She continuously created situations that were unnecessary and avoidable (Cuban Missile crisis of 1962?). This matched up to Khrushchev's quick temper and irrational behaviour. He like Kay had no qualm in denouncing his previous leader Stalin at the 20th congress speech 1956.
Andy aka Brezhnev: In comparison to the other managers his time was less, shall we say manic. He could compromise and adjust to suit the times in order to do what was best for the store with minimum fuss. Brezhnev sat and signed SALT treaties with US leaders showing he was willing to be rational and for this Brezhnev was rated well among opinion polls, just as Andy was popular among staff.
Wade aka Andropov and Chernenko: Wade acted as manager until a new 'leader' was found. Just as these two old-time leaders were bit parts in the Soviet Union until, eventually, the last leader was put into place.
John aka Gorbachev: Now from the day John took over I knew he wasn't a standard manager. In fact he was a moron. It was his turtle like physic and his poor attempts at being your 'pal' when he needed something. For example, here was John's attempt at conversing with me as a friend.
John: Oh how was your trip to Berlin? See the concentration camps? Did you pull out there?
Jimmy: Oh yeah John, concentration camp really set the scene.
His voice, a voice that tempted you to either strike him there and then or find the nearest rope to attach to your neck, made my skin crawl. He changed everything he could, not due to necessity, more to show who was boss, like a dog urinating on a tree. 'Oh wow John! Now you have made me move the bikes half way across the store I now respect you like my own father and can honestly see the advantages of moving them from the cycle section into the golf section. You really are the big man John! The error of my ways has suddenly rained down on me like a heavenly Epiphany.'
It was also frustrating to see that he believed the staff were enthralled with him and that they appreciated their jobs. Just as Gorbachev brought in policies such as Glasnost and Perestroika and believed that the people would choose communism freely and vote it in passionately through the democratic changes he had introduced, how wrong John and Gorbachev both were. The changes John had made to my job ultimately made me leave, just as the people of the USSR voted communism out, both John and Gorbachev spelt the end.
Is management in retail all the same? I hear it is. They make me feel ill. They should really start employing human beings to be managers rather than these transparent plastic nobodies that have no social skills to connect with staff, or 'peasants' as they probably refer to us as. Wake up, you're manager of Sports Direct Orpington, not Harrods Knightsbridge. Head office even have you by the balls Mr Manager as you too are wearing a ridiculous Umbro tracksuit. Just because yours is all blue doesn't make you look any less of a social reject than we all currently look in these hideous uniforms.
Again another example of conversation with John.
John: Can you tuck in your (polo) shirt please?
Jimmy: What into my track suit bottoms? Are you trying to make me look like a local?
John: I just want my staff looking presentable.
Jimmy: We're wearing Umbro tracksuits John. Water into wine was one thing but even Christ would have a struggle here making this presentable.
Should I really be proud to be wearing Umbro? The nation's proud kit designer for our national football squad. Well after that performance against Algeria no, but the fact that these uniforms don't fit in that every shirt I wear despite the size looks like a wide crop top, again the answer is no. The humiliation of walking past Laura Ashley or HMV in my uniform at lunch or buying my snacks in Marks and Spencer with the cashier thinking 'You worked an hour to afford this packet of short bread and a diet coke because your wages are so low.'
"It is now compulsory to wear white socks."
Why!? When have customers suddenly become Gok Wan or appalled at our choice of black socks paired up with the navy track suit bottoms. I'm sure you'll find more complaints about the products you're selling or about the manner in which they were sold in rather than what colour socks staff are wearing.
'Oh so you left your last job in June. You received one disciplinary in your time there however. Could you elaborate on why?'
'No problem, I was wearing black socks under my uniform.'
Don't sound like an idiot at all at a new job interview do I?
Team briefing was one of the most laughable aspects of Sports Direct. Number one, we're not a team. The only team in Sports Direct are the standard staff and that's only because we are all trying to get out of the hell hole. Number two, what do we need to be briefed on? How to understand the native accent of the potential owner of a fresh pair of Reebok workouts? No, it's selling trainers. I'm quite sure even the owners of Reebok workouts don't need instructions on how to put on trainers. Cheesy retail catchphrases were rife among management, 'remember even two's a queue' you would be lucky to have two people purchasing items pal, don't run before you can walk. Also they tell you this weeks 'target' and what we made yesterday. Is it really my target? I couldn't care less how much you make, I care more about the fact that on the rota, please correct me if I am wrong, but it says I finish at 8. Why in over a year and a half did I never once get out at 8? The shop closes then, why was it almost 9 when we left for home. Rota me in until 9, pay me!
Dear old John knows best though. One Wednesday in an unfortunate turn of events my friend needed some sports shorts. Reluctantly I accompanied him to Sports Direct in which I was greeted by my manager at the door.
John: James can I have a word? Look I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your friends (You're the one in an Umbro tracksuit but please continue) but you can't come in here.
Jimmy: What? Why?
John: Staff are only allowed in when they are working (that's good to know) and on a Thursday for their (much needed) discount. (Discount it any more it would be theft.)
Jimmy: That's the most pathetic rule you've made out of them all.
John: No it's to prevent internal theft. (Who would steal from this place look at your stock, besides nothing exceeds the price of around 30 pounds in your entire store half the time!)
Jimmy: Surely that would be internal as in, when they are working... and have access to internal areas such as the stock room.
John: No they can hide it under stands or give it to their friends.
Jimmy: That's a lot of effort for a wanky pair of Reeboks or a fashionable Lonsdale tee, anyway, anyone can give it to their friends or hide things, not just staff.
John: People do it, so that's why you're not allowed in here.
Jimmy: That's like saying a doctor can't go to the hospital when he is ill, based on the fact that he works there.
John: Yes.
Jimmy: Good answer.
John: Well I'll let you off this time.
Jimmy: Oh thank you very much, I will make sure I browse feeling exceptionally special.
They never have what you want anyway. The idea of someone desiring a product from Sports Direct is one thing but having it in stock is simply mind blowing. The look of frustration within the eyes of many when I tell them for the fifth time that we don't have that particular Reebok in a size seven or seven and a half never got old. As the look of frustration I gave when someone asked if I worked here (no the SPORTSDIRECT.COM on the back of my polo and down my track suit bottoms was a little personal touch to pay homage to this fabulous organisation.)
Other good customer quotes were;
Customer: Where's the exit?
Jimmy: The same way you came in.
Customer 2: Can I have a size nine.
Jimmy: Yeah sure.
Customer 2: No wait I'm a size six.
Jimmy: How did you just drop three sizes?
Customer 3: Excuse me when does your sale end?
Jimmy: Never it's continuous.
Customer 3: No really, when does it end.
Jimmy: No really it's continuous.
When is the sale going to end? Will it ever end? And whose idea was it to instead of play a radio or have enough tracks to last the working day, have ten tracks on a continuous loop. Yes, sounds like a fab idea. Painfully, I left knowing every lyric to these dammed songs. Songs that were not good enough to make it big or even local radio so were purchased by retailers to irritate staff. Christmas was bearable, there was a change of music. Classic and popular festive songs were now played. None by the original artists of course, all remakes or what sounded like Youtube renditions. All I want for Christmas by Joe Bloggs from Crayford. The staff room, commonly regarded as a place to calm and relax from a difficult day, a place to just chill on your break. This one was like a panic room with a microwave and a kettle. Marks and Spencer would sit and watch herds of Umbro take position opposite on the benches as we rammed our lunch down in that all important twenty minute break we got.
Just because you have a radio doesn't make you better than us, we all have access to them, if I pick one up for my shift it means that I can hear your voice all day John, which is bad enough but the fact that you can contact me and that I don't like you as a human being slightly puts me off picking up a radio. I have to work more than I already am if I pick one up. You come upstairs and get the Dunlop shoes yourself instead of using your radio to ask me to get them and bring them down while I do all those other jobs you set me upstairs. It goes to some peoples head having a radio, it's a radio not a Nobel Peace Prize.
Jimmy: John Receiving?
John: Yeah go.
Go? Who do you think you are 'Yeah go' some hot shot Jerry Maguire within some fast paced work environment. The fastest I've seen you move was when you were radioed regarding your Morley's fried chicken entering the building. Code five? Oh that's what we call a suspicious looking person over the radio when they walk in. You'll be there all day in Sports direct in Orpington if it's code fives you are looking for. If we're going to be as stereotypical as to say that this person looks 'suspicious enough' to be classified as a suspicious looking person intent on theft based purely on their appearance walking through the door and not based on how they act in store, then we may as well call everybody a code five and be stereotypical that way, justifying it with the sentence 'well, we are in Orpington.'
This quote I found humored me so much that I think it is what I will end my rant on a shop and a company that did me no favours, taught me many things that they probably didn't intend on and gave me such experiences as having a customer fart on me in return for the Nike 'flip flops' I handed him, have a pensioner excrement in the lift because we told her we had no customer toilets, having my manager claim he will get me 'done for vandalism' because I wrote my name in dust on one of the lights, directing people to the nearest JD in front of a supervisor (a personal favourite of mine) or even being told I would be waited for and hurt after my shift by a customer because I couldn't serve him his Reeboks.
"Sports Direct really is a great place to Kick Off your career (into a spiral of despair), with our huge portfolio of stores and brands we really do have an opportunity for everyone (to see how retail shouldn't be run), if you love the pace and buzz of high street Sports & Fashion (fashion!? Please) then (find another store?) your local Sports Direct Store is the place for you.
Go JD or even JJB, I've heard they're on a come back.
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